


Anyone Who Wasn't Important

by Cecil_Fry



Category: Criminal Minds (US TV)
Genre: Aaron Hotchner-centric, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Fluff and Angst, Gen, Hurt Aaron Hotchner, Past Child Abuse, Past Rape/Non-con, Rossi is truly amazing, Selectively Mute Character, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, We love him, this is a dark one
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-19
Updated: 2020-08-19
Packaged: 2021-03-06 02:01:25
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,415
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25985557
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cecil_Fry/pseuds/Cecil_Fry
Summary: Aaron Hotchner is terrible with dealing with his emotions. When he falls off into a pit he doesn't want to come back from, his team is there to help his back up again.
Relationships: Aaron Hotchner & David Rossi, Aaron Hotchner & The BAU Team, past Aaron Hotchner/Haley Hotchner - Relationship
Comments: 4
Kudos: 67





	Anyone Who Wasn't Important

**Author's Note:**

> Am I projecting onto Hotch? Maybe.  
> Do I like Rossi and Hotch so much because I'm starved of fatherly affection? Maybe.  
> Please do not read if this triggers you, I know that I couldn't read anything like this for a while.

“Your time is limited, so don’t waste it living someone else’s life. Don’t be trapped by dogma – which is living with the results of other people’s thinking.”   
-Steve Jobs

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Jack wasn’t there. He was at Jessica’s house. He was going to stay the night. Hotch had made sure that he wasn’t there. He didn’t want to hurt Jack anymore then he had already. He felt strangely numb, he had felt numb for months- years. His gun was still in the safe, as he didn’t want something of his team’s job ruined by this. Next to him, on the off white tile floor of the kitchen, sat a bottle of painkillers he had been prescribed after being shot. It had been minor, so he just kept the bottle. There was also a new razer he had bought a few days ago for this exact purpose. 

The items sat in a perfectly straight line, each inside of a different tile. The silver of the razer matching the dark blue of the painkillers’ bottle. He took a shaky breath, and reached for the razor. He stared at it as though he had never seen it before. He sat on the floor for a long time before drawing the blade against his radial artery. No one said radial artery, but they had caught a killer that killed his four victims that way, so the name of the artery was stuck in his head. 

The razor was so sharp that he couldn’t even feel it. He ran the blade in the same place twice more, and then moved to the other wrist to do the same thing. He still didn’t feel any pain, so he dug his fingers into the cut, so it stung with harsh pain. He stared at the blood pooling on the floor of his apartment, running off the tile until it stained the carpet. Hotch was suddenly reminded of Foyet. Of bleeding out in that very apartment, trying and failing to push the serial killer off him, as he became woozy with blood loss. 

As soon as he started thinking about Foyet, he opened the bottle of painkillers and took three. He then took another four. Then 5. Then 6. 7. 8. 9.He lost count after that. He started to feel tired and nauseous. He tucked his arms under his chest and curled up in a ball on the floor. As he started to drift off, he heard his father yelling at him to get up from the floor. He could almost feel his father kicking his back and shoulders, while he curled himself tighter. 

He had never told his team about his father. Rossi had known, but Hotch had gotten good at not being profiled. His team didn’t know a lot about him. They didn’t know about what Foyet had done to him, they didn’t know why he wasn’t close to the rest of them, they didn’t know why he was so terrified of his temper.

JJ had called him a bully. That’s what his father was. A bully. Plain and simple. His father used his power to hurt people who were weaker than him, mostly Hotch. He was so focused on saving Reid from Hankel, that it took him a few days to process what the team had said about him, Morgan had called him a drill sergeant, Prentiss said he trusted men more than women. His father had all those qualities. He was becoming his father while actively trying not to be.

He was half conscious at that point. In a state not quite a dream, but not quite reality. The faces of his team, Jack, his father, Haley, Foyet, everyone really, were swimming in front of his eyes. Mocking him, taunting him. He could have saved Haley if he was better. He wasn’t a good father to Jack. His team hated him. He slowly slipped into total unconsciousness with these thoughts swirling around in his head. 

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One of Aunt Jessica’s kids had gotten sick, so Jack was heading home early. His aunt had texted his dad, but he hadn’t responded. They joked that he had fallen asleep early. Neither of them were worried. Jessica had wanted to get home to her kids, so she just dropped him off in front of the building. This wasn’t new. He walked up to his apartment plenty of times on his own. 

When he got to his apartment, he looked around for the key his dad had gotten his. It had spiderman on it, and he always kept it in his pocket. He unlocked the door and called for his dad. He got no response, so he walked around to the kitchen. He screamed when he saw his father on the floor covered in blood, and looking like he wasn’t breathing. He took a couple deep breaths while he looked around for the phone. At school, his teacher had said to call 911 if someone was hurt badly. He shakely pushed the numbers on the phone, and put it to his ear, as it rang.

“911, what’s your emergency?” The operator said. She sounded young, maybe twenty or so. She also sounded kind, which was an added plus.

“My- My dad,” He said, his voice shaking. “I got home and he- he was lying on the floor. He’s bleeding, and I don’t know if he’s breathing,” Jack started sobbing. Big heaving dry sobs, that made him hiccup. 

“Okay,” The woman said soothingly. “I need you to calm down, take his pulse. What your name sweetheart,” He told her his name as he leaned down and pressed his fingers to his dad’s neck. Uncle Reid had taught him and Henry how to take their pulse, as he said it would be important. The pulse was there but it was faint. He told the woman he had found a pulse, and she said, “Okay Jack, that’s good. What’s your apartment number,” He told her, their apartment number and she told him to stay on the line until the ambulance got there. He sat on the floor next to his dad, making sure he was okay.

About six minutes later, three paramedics came in and lifted his father up onto the gurney. A police officer stayed behind with him, asking him questions, “What's your father’s name?”

“Agent Aaron Hotchner,” He said. When she raised her eyebrows at the agent bit, he continued, “He works for the FBI. He’s the Unit Chief of the behavior analysis unit,” He paused. “Can I call my Uncle Dave? He works with my dad,” When the woman said yes, he grabbed his father’s cell phone and called his dad’s coworker. When Dave picked up, Jack said, “Uncle Dave? You need to come over. Dad’s in the hospital,” 

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Rossi was driving well above the speed limit, but he didn’t care. He needed to make sure Jack and Aaron were okay. Jack hadn’t told him what had happened, as he didn’t know, but Rossi could guess. He pulled up to Hotch’s apartment building, and rushed up the stairs. He ran down the hall and opened the door without knocking. Jack rushed up to him, and hugged him like his life depended on it. The police officer on the couch, gave him a look that said Get over here. He picked Jack up and sat on the couch next to the woman. “What’s going on? What happened?”

She frowned and said, “From what we can tell so far, the wounds on his wrists are self inflicted, and he took almost a bottle of painkillers. He’s in critical condition,” She said all of it quietly, so Jack wouldn’t hear. The rest of the BAU and him would explain to him what was going on. He thanked her for the information, and called the rest of the BAU to tell them what was going on, and told them, minus JJ, to go to his house. JJ had her own child to think about, and it was pretty late. 

He thanked the police officer again, and he and Jack walked out to his car. They drove in silence to his house. When they got there, they saw the rest of the BAU nervously waiting on the doorstep. He ushered them inside, and they sat silently at the kitchen counter. He made them a late dinner without his usual flair, and as they began to eat, Jack asked, “What happened to my dad? Is he going to be okay?”

They all looked at each other helplessly for a moment before Morgan answered the easier question, “Your dad’s strong, he’ll be okay,”

Jack asked again, “But what happened to him?”

Garcia, who must have researched it online, said, “Your dad is sick, and he thinks he’s the cause of bad things happening, and it makes him really sad. It’s called depression, and he thought the only way to feel better was to end his own life,” The rest of the team stared at Garcia, and silently thanked her. 

Jack nodded thoughtfully, “Was my mom’s death the cause?” For an eight year old he was strangely perspective. 

“One of the reasons,” Reid said. “Depression is caused by many things, including childhood trauma, trauma later in life, and genetics,” He was rambling because he was scared for his boss, so no one stopped him. 

Jack nodded again, his eyes were red from crying, and he just seemed to accept whatever they said at this point, “Like rape?” He asked. When they all stared at him in horror, he crossed his arms defensively over his chest, and said, “I heard my Aunt Jessica tell my dad to go to a rape support group, because he needed help. Or something like that. I don’t know what it means. I asked a teacher and I got in trouble, and I couldn’t ask my dad because then he’d know I eavesdropped,” They were even more terrified for Hotch than before. They didn’t understand why he hadn’t come to them for help. 

“Yeah, you’ll learn about that when you’re older,” Prentiss said, a small quiver in her voice. They all wanted to cry. They didn’t understand how Jack was so calm. Jack jumped down from the stoll and walked into the other room. “How is he so calm?” She asked, even though she knew the answer. 

“He’s not,” Morgan said. “He can’t go to school tomorrow,” They all nodded agreeing with him. “Who’s going to go stay with Hotch?” 

“I will,” Garcia said. “I can understand what it’s like,” They all nodded, not asking her about it. She grabbed her keys, said goodbye to Jack, and walked out the door. They sat in silence as they heard her car pull away. They sat unmoving until they couldn’t hear the engine. Rossi got up, and called the principle of Jack’s school to explain that he wasn’t going to school tomorrow. 

Morgan put Jack to bed, and told him he wasn’t going to school the next day. The child didn’t seem to care, and just curled up and pretended to fall asleep. When he got back downstairs, Rossi was just getting off the phone, “That was Garcia. Hotch has stabilized,” There was a unified sigh of relief. They sat at the kitchen table drinking their coffee silently for the rest of the night. 

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Hotch felt floaty. He couldn’t quite remember what had happened the night before. JUst the voices, and kicking, and pain, and blood. Blood staining the carpet. He sat up with a gasp. Next to him sat Garcia. She was wearing pink pajama bottoms, with a blue Hello Kitty shirt. She was staring at him, and gasped when he sat up suddenly. He tried to ask her why she was there, but his throat didn’t seem to work.

He started to panic, grasping at his throat, and trying to stand. He ripped out his IV. Why was he at the hospital. His father would never take him to the hospital unless it was really serious. Just for broken bones. But that didn’t make sense, his father had died decades ago.He ran down a list of reasons to be in the hospital, as nurses tried to get in to lay back down. He was barely aware of them, and his own screaming. They needed to get off him. Hands. Foyet. He lashed out at the nearest person. He needed to get them off him. Now. He felt a needle enter his arm, and he remembered nothing else. 

The next time he woke up, he was strapped down. He couldn’t move his arms, but he tried anyway. Instead of Garcia next to him, Rossi sat on the cold plastic chair. He tried to say something, but he still couldn’t seem to get anything out, so he banged his fists against the hospital bed frame. Rossi looked up, and saw his panicking, and trying to get out the restraints. “You attacked a nurse, and started beating your head with your hand, so they restrained you,” Rossi raised an eyebrow at him. “Not going to say anything,” He wanted to scream at Rossi tha he was trying to, but he couldn’t. He couldn’t even open his mouth. He felt tears begin to form in his eyes, and blinked them away. 

He didn’t want to be restrained, so he pulled at the bonds. It didn’t do anything so he slumped back in his bed. Rossi was still staring at him. He wanted to ask him what, but couldn’t. This really was frustrating. “You really scared us Aaron,” Rossi said, cooly. “Jack found you and called 911. He’s at my house,” No! Jack wasn’t supposed to be home. He made a distressed noise in the back of his throat. “Jack wants to see you,” No! Definitely not! Jack wasn’t ever going to see him like this. He shook his head vigorously. “Okay then,” Rossi said, crossing his arms and leaning back in his chair. 

Hotch gave him a death glare so strong that Rossi mumbled, “If looks could kill,” They needed to let him leave, but he knew protocol, 24 hour observation, then deciding where the person would go. Hotch laid backed and ignored Rossi, eventually drifting off to sleep.

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“The way I see it, every life is a pile of good things and… bad things. The good things don’t always soften the bad things, but vice versa, the bad things don’t necessarily spoil the good things or make them unimportant.”  
-The Doctor

**Author's Note:**

> I based this on my own experience. Yay. I am semi-verbal and sometimes don't speak, especially when something bad is happening. An open ending but only one chapter.


End file.
